Relationship: The Challenge to Connect and Interact

In yoga, it is said that relationships mirror your inner state of being. They draw out all your tendencies, good and bad, and provide fertile ground for personal growth.

The most foundational element of yoga is relationship. It doesn't matter whether you perform asanas, or postures, meditate, chant, or read and discuss philosophy and the lives of great teachers. It also doesn't matter whether you have just started or have been doing some of these activities for many years. All practices of yoga are about relationship.

One aspect of relationship is to connect. This means to join in common. What do you have in common with a sensation in your body, a thought, an emotion, another person or big concepts? How do you move towards connection? What is the experience of connecting? And what is the experience of not connecting or being out of synch?

Another aspect of relationship is to interact, which means mutual involvement. How do you interact with your own body and the endless chatter of the mind? When are your interactions with other people most frustrating and most fruitful?

Relationship with Yourself

The first important focus is on yourself. Sometimes this focus can be misinterpreted as being selfish or not caring about others. In yoga, the idea of focusing on yourself is used in its most broad sense. It embraces every aspect of you and your life. Your whole self includes every part-your body, senses, experience, circumstances, and willingness to serve others with actions and kindness. Who are you physically, emotionally, mentally, in relationship to family, friends, teachers, acquaintances, strangers?

How do you judge the quality of your relationship with yourself? One simple method is to ask yourself if you are in relationship or not in relationship. The experience of being ‘out of relationship' can come with feelings of disappointment, agitation, anxiety, sadness, worry and judgment. Physically, you may bump into furniture, spill things, have tightness or contractions in your body, and experience a generally difficult time. You may have headaches, backaches, chronic pain or other symptoms of tension. It can affect you mentally by not being able to think clearly, make poor decisions, and say things you regret. Every difficult situation then can turn into blaming someone else. Most importantly you may tend to turn these feelings against yourself. You may start picking on yourself for not being good enough, or fast enough, or clever enough, or any other form of self-criticism.

Some of the statements that arise when you feel separate may include: Nobody understands. It's his/her/my fault. How come nothing turns out right no matter what I do? That was a waste of money. I feel alone. What do they want from me? I feel misunderstood.

The experience of being ‘in relationship' is to be in a state of awareness in the middle of a flow of people, events, actions, thoughts and feelings. Top athletes show us a state of total awareness, which may be one reason why they are so enjoyable to watch. No matter what happened with the last shot or play, they draw inward to connect with themselves to prepare for the next one. Awareness helps you maintain a connection with yourself. For example, you may be walking along in conversation with someone at a shopping mall. You step aside to make room for a woman with a pram or a group of teenagers. Perhaps someone with great anger passes but you don't pick up the anger and become agitated yourself. All the time, you are present to the conversation, listening and talking with awareness of yourself and your surroundings.

Oddly, being in relationship is harder to notice because it is our tendency to focus more on things that go wrong than things that go right. Or we bring our attention only to specific events or circumstances that go well rather than the continual dance with life. When you are in relationship with your body, you move with grace. You may still have physical discomforts but you work with them. Emotionally you meet the challenges before you. You are more likely to be compassionate, accepting and loving. Your mind operates with clarity and is forward-thinking. Life appears to run smoothly.

Some of the statements that arise when you feel connected to yourself may include: I feel good. I am content. That was easier than I thought it would be. I have hope. I love the rain. I have time to enjoy this.

Contemplation: To shift into relationship with yourself, focus your awareness from outside objects, events or people back to you. Rather than getting enticed by the endless stream of thoughts, choose your heart as a point of focus. Bring yourself to the present. Ask yourself: What is my body doing and how do I feel physically? What is my emotional state? Is my mind agitated? Take a moment to notice your breath and experience your own consciousness.

Relationship with Your Spiritual Self

If you are open to it, yoga has a spiritual side, the steady, silent essence that is beyond your personality. This essence can be called the spiritual self, the higher self or the inner self. It is the deepest part of you that has been with you always. Sometimes described as the eternal witness, it is also known as the inner light, universal consciousness, awareness or ultimate reality.

Meditation is the usual technique to draw inward and connect with this powerful consciousness. It is the practice of paying attention to your inner essence beyond self-talk and sensory experience. By spending time to allow the mind to quiet, you become seated in simple awareness. An easy way to practice this is to draw inward and focus on your breath, even for a moment. You can also take a time-out. At home or work sit at your desk or at a table. Outside, you can take a seat on a bench, lean against a wall, or relax for a moment in your car or on a train. Close your eyes and scan your body. Don't pay attention to your thoughts. Rather, focus on the part of you that is most conscious and expansive. Even two minutes of contemplating your inner self will replenish you.

You can also access your spiritual self while performing yoga asanas. The practice is to perform the movements or hold the postures with attentiveness. As you listen to instructions or follow your own yoga routine, be alert to all sensory experiences and at the same time, draw on the energy within. Your higher nature is always available to you, at any time and under any circumstances.

Being in relationship with your spiritual self opens the doors to your own higher wisdom. It helps develop your intuition, understanding, empathy, tolerance and ability to accept other people with love. But all is not necessarily peace and love. Being in relationship with your spiritual self can also stir up emotions and old issues that need to be resolved. As they arise, you may want to spend time looking at your own behaviours to investigate what you might want to change.

Contemplation: The part of you that is free, luminous, filled with love and carries ultimate wisdom, is your spiritual self. To consciously connect to this energy, turn inward with awareness. You can focus on the point in your emotional heart where breath enters deepest in your body. Or concentrate on your third eye, the space between your eyebrows. You can also intone a mantra, such as om. Imagine yourself dissolving yourself into this spiritual consciousness. Feel your expansion and extend it to feel connected to your spiritual self.

Relationships with Others

One myth attached to yoga is the idea of retiring from people and activities. The concept of a single yogi meditating in a cave (or back bedroom) is especially appealing if your life is busy. How nice, perhaps, to spend quiet time away from everyone and how replenishing that would be! Yet, no matter where you are, you have to sit with your own mind.

If you are filled with positive thoughts, it's easy to stay calm and centred in the flow of life. But it would be easy anywhere, and you wouldn't have to retreat. It is negative thoughts and feelings that deplete energy. You can lose energy or have emotional blocks by holding onto anger, judgment, resentment, bitterness or being the victim.

Although the quick and easy way to justify a situation is to blame someone or something else, it doesn't resonate well. And it certainly isn't the long-run solution. Relationship requires us to take responsibility. Rather than withdrawing from interaction with others, yoga asks us to investigate our own truest nature, identify patterns we might like to change, and accept ourselves for being who we are right now, in the process of transformation.

The most expedient way to uncover tendencies, preferences, values and unresolved issues is through relationships with others. In his book, I Can't Hear You I Have a Carrot in My Ear, Swami Shankarananda says, ‘The spiritual process is one of self-revelation. Spiritually considered, a relationship is a context in which you can go deeper with another person helping you and mirroring you. This is a tremendous use you can make of a relationship. Relationship is a great fire. When you are by yourself, you can fool yourself, but when you are with another person, you can't.'

The concept of mirroring here represents the yogic technique of viewing life as a forum of personal growth. As though they are mirrors, what do you get back from people? What do they reflect in you?

Contemplation: What is your worst tendency? Or just pick a tendency that you don't like. For example, a tendency to be judgmental, intolerant, impatient, controlling, quick to anger or even overly sympathetic. Close your eyes and hold out your hand, palm open and facing upwards. Say to yourself: This is my tendency to . . . I respect and accept this tendency but I don't need it any more. Open your hand fully and release the tendency as though you are releasing a bird into the air.

Staying in Relationship

A warm, accepting relationship with a friend, family member, co-worker, acquaintance, shop clerk, or your spiritual self always starts with a loving relationship with yourself.

The following are a few guidelines you might want to consider. You can use them on several levels pertaining to your relationship with yourself and with others. In yoga class, for example, you might want to try to work effectively with your mind to achieve the balance between striving and harsh criticism. Just as important as performing the various postures and movements, is your state of mind. Here's the perfect opportunity to look at what your mind is telling you. If it brings up the same old stories that dwell on negative events, choose different pathways to resolve them. When you are in conflict with another person, look at your part.

Forgive. Keeping track of poor decisions, bad words, indiscretions, insults, jealousies, laziness or any number of mistakes takes a lot of energy. Start with yourself. Forgive yourself. Then forgive the other person.
Drop it. Why get eternally stuck in a story where you live the same moment in time over and over again? Even a casual remark can enter like a thorn and fester into something far more bigger and dangerous. If you are reluctant to drop it out of a sense of self-righteousness, how long to you plan to hold on? If you can, identify what is bothering you and just drop it.
Look for the source of conflict within yourself. The mind loves to create havoc. Consider what the conflict is: Am I trying to prevent something? Am I reviewing the past? What am I in the middle of? Take a moment to identify what you want. Ask yourself: Do I want something I am not getting? Does someone want something from me? What is my true motivation here? As best you can, be truthful. Even identifying the source of conflict helps resolve it.
Be present. So often the mind grabs hold of something and takes over. With great power, it can embellish any event to make you look like perfection itself or the worst creature that has walked the earth. When you find your mind is prattling on, especially in a negative direction, focus your awareness on your spiritual self. Look around you and just be present in your body and your immediate surroundings.
Absorb it. The yogic practice of ‘full swallowing' isn't a new form of cleansing. It means to swallow the emotion. But you have to be willing to take it on without resentment. Rather than letting it become a lump in the throat, dissolve it as you swallow it. Use the power of your own compassionate heart to allow bad feeling to merge into the expanse of your spiritual self.
If you can't use reason, use worship. If you have an issue that is agitating your mind or aggravating a relationship, it doesn't really matter whether the other person is fair or unfair, logical or illogical, or right or wrong. The quickest way to resolve a mind-bending conflict is to accept and love-yourself and the other person.
Take the step to build the bridge. According to many yoga traditions, a yogi's divine duty is to always keep love flowing. Regardless of the circumstances, you can be the one to take responsibility for the relationship. Although it doesn't necessarily mean that you need to find resolution for everyone, you can be the one to make the phone call or send the email or absorb any negative feeling. Investigate taking whatever action that will expand your heart or give you peace.
Stop repeating patterns. How can you discover your own negative patterns? One method is to listen carefully to feedback from others. If they tell you that you are critical or irresponsible or quick to anger, you probably are. Another method is to identify those moments when you can hear yourself saying, I can't believe I did that again. Likewise, look at the people around you. Are they difficult or easy, demanding or caring? Ask yourself, What is going on here? What can I learn from this? What personal patterns would I like to break?
Burn it in the fire of yoga. Just as a fire burns wood to ash, the ‘fire of yoga' can be used to dissolve any bad feeling into peace. Imagine a fire, as large as you want. Think about anything you want to get rid of, whether a bad circumstance in the past, a current conflict, an old pattern, a disturbing tendency or another person's attitude or actions. Imagine it in the form of a ball, large and filled with air, or small and hard. Place it in your fire and watch it disappear.
Cultivate willingness to change. All you need is intention. The nature of the will is that has two modes: I want and I don't want. You can focus your will on what you want to bring into your life, such as energy, ease and strength. You can also focus on what you can get rid of emotionally. Whenever it comes up, you have the power to release the old stuff to make your energy flexible so you can flow with the tide of events and enjoy the wonders of life.

Practices for Maintaining Relationship with Yourself

Maintain a connection with your physical self through yoga, walking, other exercise or sport.
Whenever you can, focus on your inner state of being.
Meditate.
Chant, or listen to chanting or music that uplifts you.
Do spiritual practices such as rituals or ceremonies.
Spend quiet time with yourself.
Repeat a mantra.
Become present.
Live in the highest level of self-awareness.

For further reading

Swami Shankarananda, I Can't Hear You, I Have a Carrot in My Ear: Questions and Answers on Living in Awareness, Shaktipat Press, Mt Eliza, Vic, 2004.
Eva Pierrakos, The Pathwork of Self-Transformation, Bantam, Sydney, 1990